A battle between an emulation of the world’s most bland culture and umm… quenching?

The Globe vs. Quenchers, the inaugural bar battle. For this battle I enjoyed the company of my friend “Mimsy” and decided to prepare for the showdown by researching absolutely nothing about these bars beforehand except their location.

 For this matchup the night started a little early for me. After leaving work I got caught in a downpour and took refuge under an awning outside of La Madia in River North. While waiting for the rain to stop I decided that if I’m going to be stuck at a bar I may as well go in and help myself to a drink. So I did. Very reasonably priced beer and a good selection. Unfortunately I was the only one there and the rain wasn’t doing Direct TV’s reception any favors so it was a pretty tame experience.

Anyways, after my 5 o’clock “Waiting Beer” (Waiting beers are a thing, right?) the rain abided, I hopped on the Red Line & Met Mimsy at his place. We grabbed dinner at Big & Little’s Lakeview then jumped in a Lyft to start the Bar Bracket at The Globe Pub on Irving Park.

Turns out The Globe feels like a pretty standard English pub and dark enough inside to make your questionable morals feel welcome. Also, after entering the bar it feels like a pretty small and typical neighborhood bar, but turns out to have a fairly large back room and a another room parallel to the front room with its own storefront.

 After our quick inspection Mimsy and I grabbed two seats at the bar. I awkwardly asked the attractive bartender if she had any personal specialties and she very quickly told me about the Oktoberfest. Don’t really know if pouring beer is much of a specialty, but I guess that’s what I get for asking a dumb question in a Pub. Mimsy ordered a Jameson & Coke like a normal person.

For the most part, our trip to The Globe was pretty uneventful. Mimsy and I sat at the bar, talking up typical gibberish bar talk. At one point we noticed a couple globes on the wall and started talking about the globes we owned as children – exciting stuff. About half an hour later I had a major epiphany and realized they had globes because it’s called The Globe Pub. Get it!?

Possibly the more entertaining thing about the bar was the sign in the bathroom. It was something soccer related, so I didn’t really care for it until I read the bottom which stated “free wireless internet provided.” I found this amusing because they chose to advertise “wireless internet” instead of just saying WiFi. I suppose they’re trying to appeal to the narrow band of people who are savvy enough to want wireless internet but not savvy enough to know what WiFi is. Or maybe it’s some quirky English thing like calling elevators lifts or eating cardboard for breakfast.

In reality I probably shouldn’t bash English food. I actually like it. However, whenever I see someone else eating English food I assume they’re hipsters and pretending to like it. I saw several of these hipsters at The Globe.

I’m not sure what the exact appeal of the Globe is. I suppose it’s a good place to watch soccer and drink good beer. I’m a fan of the latter and not really sure what the former is. In fact the soccer upset me a bit. I was gladly commenting on how the pop music selection was pretty out of place for an English pub (and I also assume the music selection is a ploy on behalf of the owners to get people to use the Touch Tunes machine). Then some bloke asked for the bartender to turn off the music so he could hear the soccer game. Guess he really likes the word “GOAALLLLLLLL,” whatever that means.

The one plus about The Globe being a soccer bar is that they have yellow card coasters.

 As for the beer selection, they did have some good beers, but it wasn’t a huge selection. Plus my Oktoberfest was warm, but all of my Guinni (that’s plural for Guinness, right?) were perfect.

After an hour or two at The Globe we decided to mosey on over to Quenchers. Our Lyft driver between bars was pretty awesome. He said he liked to party. I explained the bar bracket to him and he informed me that “that’s too many rounds of partying.” Guess he doesn’t like to party.

So we arrive at Quenchers and find a gaping hole in the ground to greet us as we step out of the cab. Probably should have seen what Quenchers would be like based on that.

Walking into Quenchers the first thing I noticed was the smell. I assume this was what the 70’s smelled like. Well, this smell plus some weed.

As a first impression, Quenchers is an absolute dive and if you manage to feel unwelcome there then you’re doing something wrong.

 Anyways, the first thing I noticed about this cash only bar was the absence of chairs and tables. I mean there were some bar stools at the bar, but this dive doesn’t put on heirs and fancy the place up with stuff like common furniture. (Although, to be fair there was furniture out on their patio, we just never made it that way.) In addition to the vacant room with standard dive bar wall fare and the patio, there was also a small room for shows. We were too cheap to pay for wristbands, so we didn’t get to see the show. However, there was only a curtain keeping us out and we also had to go through that room whenever we went to the restroom.

 Anyways, before I had a chance to pester the bartender with a stupid question about specialities, I came across this sign.

So naturally I got the Poor Dog with Special Export, temporarily forgetting just how terrible Malorts is. Probably should have coughed up some big money for the Evan Williams. Mimsy kept with his Jameson & Coke, again like a sane person.

At some point while working on my Special Export I started chatting up “Uncle Ray,” the 60 year old, smooth, and kinda badass bartender who’s been at Quenchers for 28 years. The next day Mimsy saw my father and mentioned Quenchers. My father knew the bar well and remembered Uncle Ray, remarking “That guy’s been there forever.” Anyways, Uncle Ray talked about the change in socioeconomic class the bars customers have gone through in the time he has been there and the multiple expansions the bar has had.

 During his oral history of Quenchers, Uncle Ray made a reference to the kitchen and I naturally thought “yeah, cause I’m gonna eat at a place like this.” Minutes later I saw an order of loaded ‘taters come out that could only be described as having the most heavenly beautiful cloud of sour cream I’ve ever seen resting atop a golden basket of taters. So then I was all like “Yeah, I’m gonna eat at a place like this.” Unfortunately I had wasted my glutton tickets at Big & Little’s earlier in the evening and had no room left for a ‘tater treat.

Eventually I asked Uncle Ray if there was any cocktail that I just had to have at this bar. He told me that Quenchers is mostly a beer bar & pointed out their extensive selection. He then asked me what beers I like and gave me a recommendation and it was awesome. I think it was a Half Acre, but don’t quote me on that. Maybe I’ll just have to go back and get another recommendation as a reminder (and some of those loaded ‘taters.)

About this time Mimsy switched over to Buffalo Trace, neat. I attempted to order a second Buffalo Trace but Uncle Ray had to break it to me that he was now out of the BT. Mimsy was very proud that he drank a bar out of Buffalo trace, even if it was only a drink. I then tried to order Gentleman Jack, which they didn’t have, so I went back to quenching my thirst with another Half Acre.

And then this happened:

I probably should have yellow carded that guy with the coaster I took from The Globe, but I wasn’t clever enough for that at the time.

After Mimsy finished all the Buffalo Trace at the bar we decided to call it a night.

However the entertainment wasn’t over. Our Lyft driver on the way back decided to talk about pretty much whatever he wanted. Apparently he’s on a Russian dating website (he informed us that he’s Pakistani, cause I guess that matters?), but he assured us that it’s a really good one. He also told us that he plans on going to Moscow in December (because Russia’s such a great place to visit right now), and then decided to tell us that he does in fact like thick girls. Then he gave an explanation of his perfect woman – an Asian women with a Russian accent.

So there’s that.

 Anyways, comparing these bars was a little hard, but at least they were both casual bars and both had outstanding service.

The Globe is known for soccer and its beer selection. However Quenchers seemed to have the better beer selection and seemed to benefit from addition by subtraction when it came to the soccer. Personal preference I guess.

 When I used to work on the beer trucks, when I walked into a bar that looked like Quenchers I’d usually mark it down as a place not to go to. However I ended up really liking Quenchers and would definitely be up for a return trip.

 I think the biggest difference between the bars is why you would go to each bar. The Globe felt like a well put together pub you’d love to have as a local corner bar.

 Quenchers felt like a place to go when you’re looking for the best possibly way to absolutely Quench your sobriety. Quenchers is to getting drunk as Pedialax is to getting sober.

 And after initial impressions I planned on advancing Quenchers in the bracket, but for the above reason I changed my mind to The Globe. Quenchers feels like a bar that you go to to get drunk. It doesn’t feel like it would be a great casual hangout to spend time with friends (although in fairness the patio may have been pretty sweet.) Also, I feel like Quenchers is a place you have to go to later in the night. We showed up right before people started rolling in. If we had went to Quenchers first, or at any earlier time, I feel like it would have been a very different experience and not one I’d want to repeat.

So, because the pub pulled off being more casual than a dive bar, The Globe Pub advances into the Belushi Division of the Chicago Bar Bracket.

For more info on the bars, you can find individual reviews of each bar at the Chicago Bar Bracket Google+ Page.

 Also, Mimsy liked the Globe more, and it sounded like location was his biggest factor. He did say that he also like Quenchers.