A biker bar versus a gay bar.

I’ll leave the South Park references to you.

Due to beverages consumed during this Bar Bracket matchup this post may no make sense. Brain is still recovering, if there is coming back from this.

Let’s start with the Twisted Spoke. Z-bot hooked us up with some sort of an Uber Taxi to get to the bar. I’m confused. First, an Uber Taxi is not Lyft, which puzzles me. Also, Uber Taxi is both a Taxi and an Uber. Mind, blown.

Also, since we went out the weekend of Halloween, Z-Bot went as a pirate (not that he isn’t anyways), Grapes went as a cat, and I went as “Weekend at Bernie’s” so it would not look weird if my friends carried me home from the bar. We met Hans Gruber at the bar, but he did not have a costume, and Mimzie and Mostaccioli eventually joined us, also uncostumed.

After passing Twisted Spoke many times after games at the United Center, the opportunity to finally go excited me. Unfortunately, the weather did not allow us to go up to the rooftop patio, but the main bar suited our purposes well. Or at least it suited my purpose. My purpose was drinking.

If you have trouble locating the Twisted Spoke, just look for the skeleton riding a motorcycle on Ogden. And no, not Nic Cage, he sticks to Broadway. Sometimes he’ll venture onto Division on his happy days.

As for inside the bar, the bar itself is a single, long curved bar with a curved wall, well stocked with many, many (presumably) tasty whiskies.

As for which of those whiskies to drink, earlier in the week I emailed Twisted Spoke to warn that we might have a large group coming in late in the afternoon. (Apparently large group = 6.) I also asked for drink recommendations and Cliff informed me that he didn’t have any recommendations, but that Twisted Spoke has Chicago’s largest whiskey selection.

I mentioned the factoid about Twisted Spoke’s whiskey selection and Kelly (Kelly, Kellie, Kelley?) the bartender told me that the title actually goes to Delilah’s and Twisted Spoke is second. Thanks for embarrassing me, Cliff.

Besides debunking my whiskey trivia, Kelly also proved a good bartender. With Cliff leaving me recommendation-less I decided to ask Kelly for one. Kelly proceeded to ask me a series of binary questions about preferences and eventually we settled on sweet, sweet bourbon.

Luckily at this time of day I had enough sobriety left in my to make it through the questioning.

Kelly’s recommendation, and favorite bourbon is Willet Pot Somethingorother. I asked several times and kept forgetting the actual name. Eventually I become too embarrassed to keep asking, but luckily Kelly recommended I take a picture.

It lasts longer.

Fortunately, my tastebuds work better than my memory. Willet Somethingorother is one fine whiskey. Not very sweet for a bourbon, but incredibly smooth and something I enjoyed sipping with a side of ice water. If I understood the finer things in life, I would spend some time dissecting the goodness of the bourbon, or something or other.

In addition to having an army of whiskey bottles behind the bar, Twisted Spoke has a reputation for making some of the best Bloody Mary’s in the city. For my second drink I asked Kelly for a Bloody Mary and also took a moment to explain the Bar Bracket. The “Road Rash” Bloody Mary was better than my explanation.

Personally I enjoy a spicy BM (hehehe), but this one didn’t have much spice. It did have some serious flavors which led me to polish it off rather quickly and seriously consider having a second (or third or fourth or whatever the biggest number I know is. 6?)

Kelly also said that she would do an extra special job with my garnishes, and those garnishes made me smile. Also, for this first time ever, I had a whole, non-diced up, cherry pepper. It confused and delighted me. I thought I ate a pickled jalapeño. (Note to self: find pickled jalapenos, put in Bloody Mary.)

While enjoying my Bloody Mary I reflected on Twisted Spoke’s city-wide whiskey status. At Delilah’s, the one bar to out-whiskey Twisted Spoke, Eric the bartender made the best Old Fashioned I ever had. I figured that maybe Twisted Spoke could rival Delilah’s Old Fashioned, and after a positive consultation with Kelly about her Old Fashioned making abilities I ordered one, leaving the choice of whiskey up to her.

While I can’t find anything wrong with Kelly’s creation, it just isn’t Eric’s Old Fashioned. *Sigh* Also, with things like the Bloody Mary on the menu, I’d say if you visit the Twisted Spoke you should take a Ricardian Comparative Advantage approach to your drinking and invest whatever liver cells you have left in Twisted Spoke’s specialities.

I did not do very diligent research on the history of Twisted Spoke during my visit, but I did run into a regular who said she’s frequented the Twisted Spoke since before my birth. While butchering Sheila’s names several times (Sheila, Shelia, Shelilah, She-Dawg?) in much the same fashion that I could not remember the Willet Somethingorother, I did get to hear the story of Twisted Spoke’s evolution.

Ye’ Olde Spokee as they call it (by they, I mean “I”), has resided at 501 Ogden for quite some time. This confuses me as I have a baby’s grasp on object permanence.

Originally Ye’ Olde Spokee had a very small bar and consisted mostly of a restaurant, which occupied the curved room now serving as our watering hole. Sheila informed me that approximately 11 years ago the Spoke underwent a renovation, making the curved room into a bar and turning the former bar area into a small section of restaurant seating. At least I think she said 11 years ago. I may have forgot as we have already established that I cannot count past 6.

After the renovation and now equipped with much more shelf space, Twisted Spoke slowly evolved into a whiskey bar. Sheila did not sound too pleased by this, but the Spoke still seemed very much her bar, so I guess it’s a bearable change. Also, judging by the food platters I saw coming out, and the tempura bacon that Hans Gruber ordered, I would say that Twisted Spoke has not lost its edge as a restaurant.

 

Something that the Spoke did not keep in tact, at least officially, is Ye’ Olde Margarita Menu. (The Chicago Bar Bracket, bracket of record. Bringing you all the true-ist stories and realest words since 1914.)

According to Sheila, Twisted Spoke used to have three “levels” of Margarita goodness, with the middle level, “Street Walker,”  Sheila’s poison of choice. The other two levels also had names referencing ladies of the night, but those names have gone off to the part of my brain that knows how to do long division and likewise will never see the light of day again. Let’s just say they’re “Scissor Me Xerxes” and “Scissor Me Xerxes II.” (The creative part of my brain has also taken a sabbatical.)

Even though these drinks are off the menu, the bartenders still know how to make them. Now, me, as the typical American Fast Food Secret Menu Aficionado/Fanboy that I am, could hardly resist this forgotten fruit.

Wait, Americans don’t eat fruit. Hold on.

Even though these drinks are off the menu, the bartenders still know how to make them. Now, me, as the typical American Fast Food Secret Menu Aficionado/Fanboy that I am, could hardly resist this forgotten fry.

That’s better.

To accurately sum up the “Street Walker,” I would say it is a margarita. No more or less grand of an explanation is needed for this drink, and I once again redirect you to the Bloody Mary’s.

After paying for a Street Walker to mildly satisfy me, Kelly closed out our tabs and a new set of bartenders came in. I took this as an opportunity to relocate to the other end of our line of 6 bracketers and struck up some conversation with Mimzi and Mostaccioli.

Mostaccioli is upset about her nickname, but I have come across nothing better, so Mostaccioli it remains.

While hanging on the other end of the bar, Mimzi pointed out that Twisted Spoke has Makers Mark Cask Strength amongst their whiskies. My understanding is that Makers only released this to select bars, so naturally I became determined to tangle with this tipple.

But first, water.

As the night wore on I saw a random plate of chicken wings catch fire at a customer’s table. (I assume they ordered Mocking Jay wings.) I believe Twisted Spoke did this intentionally and will give them the benefit of the doubt. Also, I want these flaming wings.

After some recovery waters and watching Mocking Jay catching fire, I decided the time had come to try the Makers Cask Strength. Mimzi decided he had enough of the Spoke, so him and Mostaccioli declined the Makers Cask Strength and left to stop at home before heading over to Sidetrack. Probably a wise move. I assume the whiskey selection overwhelmed Mimzi. For his first drink he stalled out before giving up and ordering “any bourbon and coke,” and then moved onto Old Weller 107, neat, for his second drink. You may remember Old Weller as the rye in our Old Fashioneds at Delilah’s. *sigh*

With Mimzi gone, Z-Bot and I each ordered a Maker’s Cask Strength, neat.

The Maker’s Cask Strength disappointed me. It tasted like a regular Maker’s Mark, just stronger. Now, I’m not against strong liquors, but this did not add anything to the flavor profile and tasted like a waste of money. After a couple sips I poured the rest of mine into Z-Bot’s glass, partially to make more time for recovery waters. Definitely a case of “Smerga dersh dersh Caska money Makers Mark” here with the MM Cask Strength, both in terms of inebriation and finances.

And now, for the highlight of the night: Sean, the Lyft driver. Man, I wish I wrote this post immediately after the Lyft ryde so I could capture the full essence of Sean. After the ride we asked Sean to party with us, but no, he decided to work instead. I guess if you bring as much party as Sean then it’s a pretty big commitment to come party.

Anyways, Sean: very knowledgeable about beer, likes to party, enjoys the vino, recommended party trolleys (I put him on the search for the mysterious Chicago Irish Pub themed trolley I spotted a year ago, but have failed to find on the interwebs), and enjoyed me spouting nonsense about things like the Bar Bracket, our various Beerlympics, and the 2013 Beer Year. (Some day I’ll do posts summing up Beerlympics and Beer Year. Someday…)

Basically, if you’re ever taking a Lyft in Chicago, keep canceling your drivers until you see that someone named Sean is on his way to pick you up.

Now, Sidetrack.

We arrived with no line, but I managed to make myself wait anyways as I struggled to remember how the Lyft app works. Apparently the app must involve long division given the difficulty I had recalling all of its two features.

I entered Sidetrack after my delay, but my friends had disappeared. Luckily, Sidetrack had not opened most of the bars, rooms & lounges, so I only aimlessly wandered around the front bar until my friends returned from the bathroom.

Earlier in the week I tweeted at Twisted Spoke and Sidetrack asking for drink recommendations. Twisted Spoke did not reply (maybe because I accidentally tweeted the wrong Twisted Spoke at first), but Sidetrack did reply and recommended the “Purple Slushie,” aka Ketel One Krush, a currant flavored frozen. As the Twitter gods of Sidetrack recommended this, I naturally ordered a round for the group. Also, as I typed this, I just realized that I ate K.O.K. at a gay bar.

For those who have not experienced it, K.O.K. tastes like purple and sugar. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy me my purple and sugar, and I enjoyed this drink along with the rest of the group. Sadly I have some weird condition where if I drink too much overly sugared alcoholic drinks, then my back hurts. I dunno, science. Also, brain freeze, but that’s probably a result of me enjoying it too quickly.

Anyways, after the group polished off four K.O.K.’s I went to ask Calvin the bartender for another drink recommendation. Calvin seemed busy dealing with other guests and flashed me his hand with 5 fingers spread out. I figured this meant “hold on” or “give me 5 seconds,” so I just nodded “sure” and spaced out.

Apparently, Calvin had asked if I wanted 5 more Purple Slushies. Thank god he didn’t ask if I wanted more than 6 or my brain would have exploded.

After Calvin brought out the 5 Purple Slushies we figured out the miscommunication. I offered to pay for them, and felt pretty bad about the ordeal, but Calvin insisted that I just take them. Good choice for my wallet, bad choice for my liver, and once again, oddly for my back.

King Jim, L-Dawg, Mimzi and Mostaccioli showed up while the rest of us worked on the Purple Slushies. Also, some of the other bars and rooms started opening up. Z-Bot offered to buy me a drink after the bar just South of the main bar opened, so King Jim, Z-Bot and I adjourned to investigate the new area.

At this bar I continued my tradition of hassling bartenders for recommendations, and Ryan, the bartender, seemed confused after I turned down more Purple Slushie. Eventually Ryan poured out some delicious Rumchata-Fireball shots and joined us for the round.

Not remembering where the idea for shots came from, I once again started hassling Ryan for a drink recommendation and eventually received a beer of some sort. Hooray Beer!

Satisfied with my drink selection, we returned to the main bar where Daddy-Brother and D-Name soon joined us. Sorry about the lame names L-Dawg and D-Name, we need to have a consultation. Goes for Daddy-Brother too.

With my gay entourage for the night fully assembled, I asked King Jim, D-Name and Daddy-Brother to give me a proper tour of Sidetrack.

Sidetrack is huge.

As we explored the multiple floors and wandered from room to room, from bar to lounge, and went indoors and outdoors, the tour made me feel like I had ventured into the cavern of continuing surprises. Also, if I was gay, I would totally call my butt “The Cavern of Continuing Surprises.” Dibs.

I don’t know why Sidetrack reminded me of this, but the bar felt very much like every night club I went to in Australia back in 2007. I dunno, something with the Space-Time continuum connects 2007 Australia with a 2014 gay bar in Chicago. I must learn their secret and travel back in time to reclaim my youthful, non-cirrhosis riddled body.

Along the way we grabbed some drinks from a couple of different bars throughout Sidetrack, including one bar just North of the main bar. I believe the bartender at this bar was also named Ryan, but Ryan II was kinda mean. (the only non-delightful bartender in this gargantuan establishment, and honestly, if I had to deal with myself harassing myself about getting the best drink possible all night, I’d be mean too), Anyways, Ryan II’s drinks definitely made up for any fault in his service. Also, Ryan II was the only bartender in costume, so that was appreciated. I think he was a lion. Not a gay lion, not a slutty lion, just a lion.

 

If you have kept track, you can probably guess that my mental faculties had deteriorated greatly by this time of night. This is evidenced by the fact that I thought Scooby Doo was mean to me.

I went to the main bar for my last drink, and spent a good deal of time discussing the Bar Bracket with an older and very friendly bartender. I told this gentleman that I needed to have the best drink he could make so I could appropriately judge Sidetrack. He obliged, and I think I had something delicious, but I can’t remember what he served me. Probably water.

To sum up my state of mind, Hans Gruber informed me that by the end of the night I was still stringing real words together, but they made no sense. An example he gave is “Yeah, but Shane is bringing the paper towels.” I said this without any of my friends named Shane in attendance. Also, nobody needed or asked for paper towels. I figure maybe I was hoping for some paper towels thinking I needed all tools available to dry out my liver at this point.

Also, If you want to peek inside my state of mind, here is a screenshot of the texts I sent to myself to record things for this blog post.

 

Now, for the voting.

I liked both bars, but I did not fall in love with either of them as I have with other bars in the Bracket.

Twisted Spoke has a good staff, huge whiskey selection, and a food menu that I will definitely return for. Also, the bar is very well put together, and they do Smut and Eggs at midnight on Saturdays. Hans Gruber and I wanted to return to Twisted Spoke after Sidetrack for this, but the plan went out the door given Tummies sambuca, Manhattan. Done with me.

Sidetrack is an extremely welcoming and huge bar, and was much less ‘and boots and pantsy’/club like than I expected. The lack of ‘boots-and-pantsness’ might be because of the time of night we attended, and I’m guessing the day after Halloween is usually a bit slower.

At Twisted Spoke I drank several types of drinks that I like, but none of them (except the Bloody Mary) really wowed me. At Sidetrack I drank many drinks that I usually don’t have, but they were all delicious.

At the end of the day I ended up voting for Twisted Spoke.

I think the main reason I voted for Twisted Spoke is because I just felt more comfortable there. I’m not saying this because of the environment or company, I’m saying I was literally more comfortable slumping on their bar with a backed stool instead of roaming the lounges and standing around tables at Sidetrack.

As for the people, I’d say Sidetrack definitely won. Twisted Spoke didn’t have bad bartenders by any stretch of the imagination – Kelly was entertaining and efficient, and really tried to cater to what we liked – but as I said before the entire staff of Sidetrack is delightful. Also, I think I saw at least one dude checking me out at Sidetrack, which is at least a small, albeit meaningless ego boost.

I really believe I may have voted differently if I had just tried to order things I like at Sidetrack and seen how well they could do them instead of relying on recommendations.

As for the rest of the group:

Hans Gruber voted for Twisted Spoke.

Mostaccioli and Grapes voted for Sidetrack, no reason given.

Z-Bot voted for Sidetrack. He said that Twisted Spoke just felt very generic and didn’t do anything too special. He also said it felt more like a restaurant.

Mimzi voted for Sidetrack, saying

“Sidetrack is more the type of bar I would go to if I was going out. Unless I’m with a gay Sherpa, it’s not a place I’m going to frequent though, since it’s like I’m crashing their party.

It’s more likely I would go back to Twisted Spoke but I would go there for day or dinner drinks, not where I would go at night.

So given all that, Sidetrack.”

And Mimzi voting down a whiskey bar is saying something, at least in my opinion.

The gay entourage and L-Dawg did not get votes because they didn’t go to Twisted Spoke with me.

So, overall Sidetrack wins this 8 vs. 9 match up with a score of 4-2.

I think I will revisit Twisted Spoke at some point in the future, but unlike other fallen bars that I want to revisit, Twisted Spoke is not a bar that I wish could have stayed in the bracket. I don’t think anything is wrong with Twisted Spoke, I enjoyed it a lot and would have been fine with it advancing (I did vote for it after all), but I also don’t think it would have had much staying power in the bracket.

As for Sidetrack, I’m kinda glad it won despite my vote. The atmosphere and staff were great, and the overall environment and layout of the bar is definitely unique compared to other bars in the bracket. I think this uniqueness could do some damage and potentially get Sidetrack to at least the Sweet 16. Also, I’m excited to go again and see what their bartenders can do if I just stick to ordering my own drinks instead of relying on recommendations.

If you’d like to read individual reviews about these two great Chicago bars, feel free to check out their reviews on my Google+ Page.

If you want to stay up to date on my quest for the best bar in Chicago, then feel free to like or follow on Facebook and Twitter.

As for the immediate future of the bracket, I hope to have a review of “Imbibe!” up within the next week, and later this month I’ll venture out with Rebecca and others to see whether Au Cheval or The Happy Village is the best bar in Chicago.